The baby tango is in full semester swing now, and it has found its stride. Life is full. We don’t say “busy” in our house anymore. We say “full.” “Busy” is negative and implies we’re doing too much. “Full” is just that: full. We’re in a full season.
My days are finding time for work, baby, spouse, and chores. My weeks find pockets of time to work on the book. Our friends touch our lives in person, in email, in voice, and their joys and pains are on my heart a lot. Life is very very full… for everyone, not just us.
Last night, my heart felt so full of joy and pain that I had to make room to sit again. Sit on the meditation pillow in candlelight in the dark. Sit and let all the busy-ness settle like sand in the lake at night. At the end of the sitting, the sand has cleared. You can see the bottom of the lake and all the pretty fish in your heart.
I wonder if, in the past (i.e. before kid), I had enough alone time that meditation wasn’t as essential of a practice as I think it is becoming.
The other day I was driving in between events in my day, and I was trying to breathe deeply to calm my mind. And I wondered why I don’t do that more often: simply sit and breathe (when I’m not driving).
“You have the power of the universe at your fingertips, Renee,” I snapped at myself. “Why don’t you use it?”
The power of the universe? Really, Renee? Isn’t that an exaggeration? I pictured Superwoman flying, or maybe Wren the Yoga Star emitting energy out of her fingertips, throwing the power of the universe through a yellow line at a brick wall. See? Exaggeration.
“No.” I thought back. “It’s the truth. People seek their whole lives for peace in their hearts. And you know that it is possible to sit with the heart of God. You know it’s possible to sit and be at peace even in rotten times. You’ve heard people you love testify to it. WHY DON’T YOU DO IT?”
I don’t know.
I don’t know that I believe it.
I think that’s the God-honest truth. All that knowledge in my head is worth NOTHING if I don’t actually use it. If I don’t actually put it into practice with my hands and feet.
To get to the hands and feet, knowledge in the head has to go through the heart.
The heart is where we believe things.
If I really believed meditation could connect me to the peace of God on a daily basis, then I would sit every day.
Maybe that’s why I sat last night. My heart led me to the cushion. To the floor. To the sitting.
I hope I’m learning something here.